Life & Love -- Alot to Learn from!!

What is the search when you have everything around you?
Why is that you constantly look for something that you know you can never have it?
Why?  Why does one feel so lonely and unworthy that you don't feel to should care enough for urself ?
Am I depressed?
Do I need help?
Why do I search for peace in someone I know I will never find

Love, this word has ruined everything I belived
 Everything I thought life would deserve. Coz everytime I trusted and let myself being out open has just caused pain and nothing else. To an extent I can't say I am lonely out loud, why? Thanks to the society and the so called relationship I have .. sometimes it's just not love but being respected as an individual.. As a person or soul I always wished to be loved and respected to be an individual. Is this wrong? 

Love doesn't always confide to just to be in a relationship but it much more than that.. we indian women are always taught to be one man doesn't matter if that man really respects you as a person or not .. but stay there.. be patient.. for him to understand. 

The moment I talk out loud people tell me I am playing by victim card.. I laugh .. am I? Did I really sound like a victim?? If i did also, did they realise why did I? A woman wants to be loved, touched, loved and I want the same .. am I wrong? Is my outer appearance so dreadful that one can't love or accept me to who I am? So many questions in my mind.. 

Yes, I love intimacy. Is it wrong? I want my partner to be intimate with me.. am i wrong to feel this?? I am ugly or call it fat.. does that stop one from being intimate? Doesn't fat people deserve intimacy? So many things in my head which pushes me to a corner and make me feel unworthy.. i tear with a sadness in my heart so buried down that I cover it with a smile.. a smile huh.. 

I write coz I can't talk.. I can't say a word.. this is killing me within.. I am sure most of us feel the same.. more power to you .. 

Let me know how you feel .. 

Nita

It's been a year now that you left us to another beautiful world. U happy there? Are they taking care of you?
I miss you.. so much that I am so lost without u .. I so wish I really could turn back time and tell u everything I was going thru .. every single detail.

There is no such relationship like ours
Noone can take that place in our hearts.
For the smile we shared and laughter we had,
For all those fights to all that we cared.

Dad, I miss you immensely
I know you would have held me
Showed me the path.
Cared so much that everything else didn't matter.

I wish I would've shared
Opened my heart out.
Told you things that discomfort me
Coz I know
You would've held me tight
Told me everything would be alright.

Heart looks for such comfort now
But knowing no one can take your place.
I could never trust anyone,
After all, world isnt the way you showed it to me.

Dad, I ain't happy, not even a bit.
I am strong coz I am Ur strong gal.
But the heart doesn't find peace
I wish I could hug u tight and find answers there.
I just wish you could come back...
Yes the selfish me!
Why shouldn't I be ??
You're the only one where I could find peace.

Dad I miss you and will always..
Coz there is no one like you. 

Here is something I have been going thru.. In Search ...

Search, this word is in itself continuous and not being constant. We search, I am sure we all do throughout our lifetime. Some search for Happiness, way to progress in life etc, but we all do end of the day. Has it ever happened that what were at a point where you got what you were searching for and when it was in front of you and you felt that it wasnt worth it at all. All this time that you were looking for, in search of which is right in front of you and there again you start the search again...

I am in search, Search of what is what i am wondering, is it happiness? But I am happy, then? Is it just a reason I am trying to find to be sad, upset with life? No, not really .. I want to be happy, Happy from my soul to my eyes..

In the mean time while all this running in my mind i just happened to talk to a friend.

He: What is it ?
Me: Dont know, what is it that i am in search for?

He: Hmmm, what is it running in your mind?
Me: Looked at him, gave a look and said - Kabhi ... Kabhi aisa hua hai ki?
                                                                    (Sometime .. has it happened with you?
Me: That you're lost within yourself while you looking for an answer?
He: Hmmm
Me: And, Has it happened that you're have happiness on your face but Sadness in your eyes?
Me: You in between your fav and loved ones but still some how you feel lonely inside?
He: Dear..
Me: What ? you think I am mad?

He: No.. No.. you're basically looking for LOVE and Someone to understand you.
Me: May be? but i have a family who love me the most then why?
He: Do you have a soul mate?
Me: (Silence)
He: Hmmm okay ..

This conversation made me think is that what i am looking for? May be no... but i am .. so Search is continuous and does not come to a point till a point you're spiritually feel the moksha ...

have you come across this kinda conversation? Are you also in search of something which you yourself aren't aware?


Love,
Nitz

In search of the shining star while lying besides you,
holding your hands and gazing at the dark sky.
The conversations we have, the moment we share.
Spending time doing nothing at all
Yes, I am search of that star and that night.

Our words do the magic, Our eyes do the talking..
Lying besides you and the moment stops by..
Trembling lips and warm palms while holding my face
Oh Yes! I am still in search of that star and that night.

Holding to what we have,
Something so special and that is treasured.
And I secretly wish that the night never ends..
He looks into my eyes and says - There are may more nights to come, Jaan
And the search ends of that star and that night.
In the hope of many more starry nights to pass by..

Tears...

It runs down so easily without seeking for a consent.
It breaks you part and also sometimes hold u together.
You play an important part of any cluttered soul..
You my friend, are a eternal part of me.

Life, a journey where we walk alone and join hands when we find someone who wants to hold you and walk with you. 

What's a connection? Can you define it? According to me,
You and I won’t be connected if only one of us is willing to disclose our real thoughts and emotions. You and I won’t experience connectivity if we are only willing to be “real” on rare occasions. It requires intimacy, vulnerability and radical transparency, which scares most people half to death coz it requires the person to tell the truth. 

If you agree to what i think connection is then tell me how different is attachments? Isn't it the same but may be just with a stronger base. We humans constantly look for someone with whom we can connect and later it grows to an attachment. Then why do we run away from it? Hide it? Being just one life we run away from smaller things that can give us immense pleasure and happiness which doesn't cost a thing but just honesty.

Tomorrow if you feel the connection, 
Hold their hand 
Sit next to them 
and talk ... 
Coz you never know till when will the moment last.
Never let go off it as remember you're here only for a short visit. 

Cheers!!