Life & Love -- Alot to Learn from!!

What is the search when you have everything around you?
Why is that you constantly look for something that you know you can never have it?
Why?  Why does one feel so lonely and unworthy that you don't feel to should care enough for urself ?
Am I depressed?
Do I need help?
Why do I search for peace in someone I know I will never find

Love, this word has ruined everything I belived
 Everything I thought life would deserve. Coz everytime I trusted and let myself being out open has just caused pain and nothing else. To an extent I can't say I am lonely out loud, why? Thanks to the society and the so called relationship I have .. sometimes it's just not love but being respected as an individual.. As a person or soul I always wished to be loved and respected to be an individual. Is this wrong? 

Love doesn't always confide to just to be in a relationship but it much more than that.. we indian women are always taught to be one man doesn't matter if that man really respects you as a person or not .. but stay there.. be patient.. for him to understand. 

The moment I talk out loud people tell me I am playing by victim card.. I laugh .. am I? Did I really sound like a victim?? If i did also, did they realise why did I? A woman wants to be loved, touched, loved and I want the same .. am I wrong? Is my outer appearance so dreadful that one can't love or accept me to who I am? So many questions in my mind.. 

Yes, I love intimacy. Is it wrong? I want my partner to be intimate with me.. am i wrong to feel this?? I am ugly or call it fat.. does that stop one from being intimate? Doesn't fat people deserve intimacy? So many things in my head which pushes me to a corner and make me feel unworthy.. i tear with a sadness in my heart so buried down that I cover it with a smile.. a smile huh.. 

I write coz I can't talk.. I can't say a word.. this is killing me within.. I am sure most of us feel the same.. more power to you .. 

Let me know how you feel .. 

Nita

It's been a year now that you left us to another beautiful world. U happy there? Are they taking care of you?
I miss you.. so much that I am so lost without u .. I so wish I really could turn back time and tell u everything I was going thru .. every single detail.

There is no such relationship like ours
Noone can take that place in our hearts.
For the smile we shared and laughter we had,
For all those fights to all that we cared.

Dad, I miss you immensely
I know you would have held me
Showed me the path.
Cared so much that everything else didn't matter.

I wish I would've shared
Opened my heart out.
Told you things that discomfort me
Coz I know
You would've held me tight
Told me everything would be alright.

Heart looks for such comfort now
But knowing no one can take your place.
I could never trust anyone,
After all, world isnt the way you showed it to me.

Dad, I ain't happy, not even a bit.
I am strong coz I am Ur strong gal.
But the heart doesn't find peace
I wish I could hug u tight and find answers there.
I just wish you could come back...
Yes the selfish me!
Why shouldn't I be ??
You're the only one where I could find peace.

Dad I miss you and will always..
Coz there is no one like you. 

Here is something I have been going thru.. In Search ...

Search, this word is in itself continuous and not being constant. We search, I am sure we all do throughout our lifetime. Some search for Happiness, way to progress in life etc, but we all do end of the day. Has it ever happened that what were at a point where you got what you were searching for and when it was in front of you and you felt that it wasnt worth it at all. All this time that you were looking for, in search of which is right in front of you and there again you start the search again...

I am in search, Search of what is what i am wondering, is it happiness? But I am happy, then? Is it just a reason I am trying to find to be sad, upset with life? No, not really .. I want to be happy, Happy from my soul to my eyes..

In the mean time while all this running in my mind i just happened to talk to a friend.

He: What is it ?
Me: Dont know, what is it that i am in search for?

He: Hmmm, what is it running in your mind?
Me: Looked at him, gave a look and said - Kabhi ... Kabhi aisa hua hai ki?
                                                                    (Sometime .. has it happened with you?
Me: That you're lost within yourself while you looking for an answer?
He: Hmmm
Me: And, Has it happened that you're have happiness on your face but Sadness in your eyes?
Me: You in between your fav and loved ones but still some how you feel lonely inside?
He: Dear..
Me: What ? you think I am mad?

He: No.. No.. you're basically looking for LOVE and Someone to understand you.
Me: May be? but i have a family who love me the most then why?
He: Do you have a soul mate?
Me: (Silence)
He: Hmmm okay ..

This conversation made me think is that what i am looking for? May be no... but i am .. so Search is continuous and does not come to a point till a point you're spiritually feel the moksha ...

have you come across this kinda conversation? Are you also in search of something which you yourself aren't aware?


Love,
Nitz

In search of the shining star while lying besides you,
holding your hands and gazing at the dark sky.
The conversations we have, the moment we share.
Spending time doing nothing at all
Yes, I am search of that star and that night.

Our words do the magic, Our eyes do the talking..
Lying besides you and the moment stops by..
Trembling lips and warm palms while holding my face
Oh Yes! I am still in search of that star and that night.

Holding to what we have,
Something so special and that is treasured.
And I secretly wish that the night never ends..
He looks into my eyes and says - There are may more nights to come, Jaan
And the search ends of that star and that night.
In the hope of many more starry nights to pass by..

Tears...

It runs down so easily without seeking for a consent.
It breaks you part and also sometimes hold u together.
You play an important part of any cluttered soul..
You my friend, are a eternal part of me.

Life, a journey where we walk alone and join hands when we find someone who wants to hold you and walk with you. 

What's a connection? Can you define it? According to me,
You and I won’t be connected if only one of us is willing to disclose our real thoughts and emotions. You and I won’t experience connectivity if we are only willing to be “real” on rare occasions. It requires intimacy, vulnerability and radical transparency, which scares most people half to death coz it requires the person to tell the truth. 

If you agree to what i think connection is then tell me how different is attachments? Isn't it the same but may be just with a stronger base. We humans constantly look for someone with whom we can connect and later it grows to an attachment. Then why do we run away from it? Hide it? Being just one life we run away from smaller things that can give us immense pleasure and happiness which doesn't cost a thing but just honesty.

Tomorrow if you feel the connection, 
Hold their hand 
Sit next to them 
and talk ... 
Coz you never know till when will the moment last.
Never let go off it as remember you're here only for a short visit. 

Cheers!!

Some stories and talks are better left untold and unfinished for they have already made their mark on our lives. Few with some good memories that someday you would just sit with a cup of coffee and think about it and smile and some that will bring you tears but some leave you with a hope that someday ..

People may come and go in our lives but ones who leave, we always hope that they return one day realizing what we did and were for them. Don't we ? Why ? Lets just leave them behind and move on coz if they knew the worth they wouldn't have left at the first place. So i guess leaving some Unfinished Stories are only going to make our life's better.

Whats your thoughts on this?

Love,
Nitz

I stood so close to your car And yet we were so far ...
I teared again, not for you
but for the moments that flashed
the holding of hands
the contact of eyes
the love we cherished everytime

I gave you my all
and hoped for you to stay
but there was nothing much i could do
watching you walk away

it broke me in bits and pieces
and shattered my soul
for once i felt it was LOVE
and it turned out to be sour

#LastNight #heartache

Did it actually sound something like 50 Shades of Grey ... Ha Ha

I laugh to myself and say .. It actually did.. So what is it something about 30's ? Hmm let me think

Is it the number or the state where you're just stepping into your adulthood.. Being independent, fearless and finding yourself suddenly grown-up. All of a sudden things change, feelings are replaced and sometimes LOST.

For me, I am the girl oops should I say Woman who is independent, loves life, adventures, lives the moment. What can probably hit me in my thirties? Surprisingly I have no answer to that.  But something did and it was so fast that it almost left me with too many questions running in my mind. Have I lived the way I always wanted? Is the love I get is enough and so on..

Every woman goes thru this phase and why only woman I am sure men also do. Its just not the number but its also the added responsibility that comes along with it. Every little thing that you do is being watched and also scrutinized. For e.g If I come home late the first thing I get to hear is ..What is the time? is this the time to come home? You're not in Ur teens to behave like this..blah blah !! Yeah you got me there .. these words are usually blah blah for me.

Yes I am in my thirties but does that stop me from living or being what I am? Its not about adulthood its about life, we all live once then why do we intact ourself with all these rules and terms & conditions. I fail to understand that and I guess I am happy to fail to do so. I am also guessing that by now you think I am a person who is never satisfied with what I have then you're BANG ON ! Yes I am not, I need so much more and in every way.

Do you feel the same? Is there is end to what you like and love ?
Share me your thoughts

Love,
Nitz

Love.. Why so complicated are you?
So many questions and no answers yet..

Feeling's.. Why so jumbled are you?
Bag full of mixed emotions and none to feel yet ..

Loneliness.. Why so heartbreaking are you?
Between the crowd and left out yet..

Often we ask our self - " Was that meant to happen?  or Was it meant to be ? "

Not lying to myself .. how many of us say that to ourself everyday? I am sure we all do coz somewhere i do it ..

Just a question.. Do you cry alone?

In a corner of your house, in your car while driving, sitting on the stairs, during the dark nights.. Do you cry ?

Why is that we humans feel so many emotions that we can't handle?  Mix everything like a khichidi and then think over it.. Was it necessary?

I feel you..


Feel you so close like a breeze
Knowing it will pass away
and i will remain here standing freezed
still feel you so close like a breeze

What is that we have between us?
Love that was meant to be
or is it just a random phase

You hold me in you so tight
I struggle to get away
I struggle to breathe
And then i think why you holding me anyway

Did you mean everything you said ?
Is what runs in mind while you talk
As I Feel you so close like a breeze
Knowing it will pass away
and i will remain here standing freezed
still feel you so close like a breeze...

So I let myself loose in you
Move like a breeze with you
As that is what is meant to be
Not thinking if it was how it had to be

Feel me like a breeze
And we would move away together..

Love,
Nitz

And so moments brings me back to where i belong !

Strange, Life isn't the same any more for me but a part of me is always stuck to this, once in a while asking me to get up and go head and write to you. Did I miss you guys ? the answer is YES not out of compulsion but out of a feeling that there are people who would love to read and also tell me things of what they feel.

Finally Am I here before the year ends.. I know haven't been around for a while. Yeah Yeah I know my fault and can give no reasons for that .

Life has changed but it didnt take a effort to change me. For sometimes i still walk down the same lane thinking if we could meet accidentally some point, some where in that corner of life. And my heart pops up with a thought -" Do you ever wish the same ? " The answer is not unknown to me but still i am standing here gazing at the stars n hoping you would say YES .

We expect so much and it never ends. I tell myself more than a thousand times that- " I am and should be Happy " I have a beautiful life but some were i cant lie to myself that there is an emptiness inside me. This Emptiness kills me every moment i think of you walking away from me. I cant question you WHY and cant be without asking as well.

You were a friends to me.. Someone who knew everything about me, I am more heart broken when i think even knowing me you would still decide to walk away.

The only thing changed in me in all these years is that even knowing the truth my heartbeat skips a skip when i hear you name and dont let anyone know. Not sure if there would be a day when you will realize the pain i am going thru inside. The waves of emotions that takes place within my heart breaking me down into pieces every time.

Will you ?

"Love has no name or any identity
its a mere feeling that brings out the best of you"

Sometime it makes me wonder why am i so cold,
Have the warmth in my heart but still so numb

I know it has been a long time since i took an effort to sit and pen down something running in my mind. I dont even remember the last post what was it about.. Funny !

After a long break from work spent a night with friends and yes i did have fun continuing that watched LOOTERA the early morning show. May be watching the Movie inspired me to write again, Nah its nothing to do with Pakhi Writing her stories but the overall the story left me with loads of thoughts within me.

Love ... Again i am stuck understanding what it is all about. There was a time when it used to be a big deal if you get a love letter written to you and those eye contacts when you cross each other. One touch of that special person leaves you behind with lots of sleepless nights and restless days finding ways to meet. Today's generation where its completely opposite.. No not that i am complaining about it but i feel that they are missing something in all this. Its always a special feeling of being loved or in love.

Right after the movie while surfing found a post asking the same questions that was running in my mind. My World – My Perception. So releaved that i am not the only one with such thoughts or questions in this world. Love, Pain, Desire, Lust, Obsession - What is it that we all are running behind or running away from? For all i see is that it is not the generation were you would hide yourself with a broken heart but move on in life and find someone worth loving, sharing life with. Where has the importance of the love letters hidden? The stupid excuses to meet and get to see a glance of him faded away?

I felt the love between Pakhi & Varun or between Amrita & Zulfi is such a beautiful if you can feel the love they might have had the pain that they would have shared. Why do we always give up and give it a name of destiny and live in pain the whole life. People say that you will always remember the moments spent when your in love till your last breath. I agree with them, You might have given up on it as destiny but somewhere in your heart  you would always look for that person and when you find them you have a want to relive those moments. Strange but love is strange isn't it, strange in the sense how much ever you try you will still want to go back. I dont know if its right to expect to be loved back but do you really think you should? I dont think so, I read in one of the Osho's books that - Just keep loving and dont expect to get back the same love then its not love at all. Everyone has a different point of view on this.

We can sit and argue on this complete life and still one will win it. Love is just Love, Its a Emotion that you can express and cant HOLD on to it. I know someone who is just in love and has never expected back anything in return .. no questions at all. But tell me something does that kinda love exist any more in today's world? Where you would wait for someone take all the pains and still wait for their return. Live life the fullest being in love .. find happiness in every small gesture? Smile and goosebumps when you suddenly see a message on your cellphones saying - Love You ? Close your eyes and you can still feel the touch, breathe of them. One side love to bahut dur ki baat hai ... kya dono hi pyar ko nibha patey hain?


Love,
Nitz

Family - How important is this word in our life? How many of us realize the duties towards this simple word?



Simple yet a very strong bond lies in this word for us.  Even without us realizing it, we are bond within the beautiful relations called FAMILY. 

Surprisingly early morning while sitting in the office and busy trying to complete my work as soon as possible as always. Something crossed my mind and I picked up my Cellphone typing a Sorry Note to a dear friend of mine. No reason but i felt a bit uncomfortable and  decided to SEND the message, Just hoping that he would understand my situation and be as good friends as we were... 


We are so busy making money and trying to get things right in our life that we always ignore the best of things and never get a chance to regret as well. " Friends " how important they are in our life's?? Do we make sure that we don't take for granted knowing that they will always come back to us??


Ask me what it feels like when you dont have any around you to talk or share those tiny winy talks. 


Sometimes i feel left out and alone thats when i realize how important is to cherish all the small moments in life. Time doesn't turn and nor those moments.


A small " SORRY " note and few SMS exchange blew away all the misunderstandings and hoping for a good start of a sweet relationship... I just wish i had or people who did hurt me realize this and try to make up for what happened and try not letting down one another's feelings. 

Feeling lite with no burden on my heart and disturbing thoughts.. So people jus try to give importance to each and every relationship you have no matter what .. We all know a very famous saying - The one who stands with you when your no one is your greatest friend and biggest well wisher when your on top of the cloud.  


Thanks Friend !!


Love
Nitz